Psychologist Explains The Main Cause Of The Quarrel Trigger, Can Destroy Relationships

Illustration of couples fighting (Photo: Freepik/setaarmepik)

JAKARTA - When a couple quarrels, many people think the cause is big things like money, sex, or how to raise children.

However, according to the psychologist of Dr. Markploy, the main cause of conflict in relationships is a much simpler thing, namely the tone of the voice.

"It's not about dirty dishes in sinks or bills that haven't been paid. The real problem is how couples talk to each other about those things," says Dr. How come, quoted from the CNBC Make It page.

According to research, only a small part of the meaning in communication comes from the words themselves. The rest comes from nonverbal things such as facial expressions, body language, and especially speech tones.

A tone that sounds sharp can be considered to blame. Flat notes can sound cold and don't care. Meanwhile your voice is often captured as a form of insult.

In an argument, what is more memorable is usually not the words, but how the couple talks and feelings are caused.

"We often forget what the word said during the fight, but we always remember how the tone of the couple's voice makes us feel," said Dr.

Everyone can be provoked by emotion. When tired, stressed, or busy, the tone of speech can sound louder than it means. Dr. How come we learn to be aware of that and immediately fix it. Here are some simple ways you can say to your partner.

1. "Sorry, my body is not that sharp. May I repeat?"

2. "I realized that my tone sounded harsh. What I really wanted to say was.."

3. "Wait a minute, I don't like the tone of my speech earlier. I'll try again,"

"Small honesty like this shows self-awareness, and can stop the fight before it grows," explained Dr.

A natural reaction when you hear a loud tone is to reply in the same tone. But it will only prolong the conflict. Dr. How to calm down and respond in a more approximating way, for example:

1. "I don't like the way you spoke earlier. Can it be repeated in a calmer tone?"

2. "I want to hear your thoughts, but the tone makes it difficult for me to accept them now."

Without accusations or denial, just an invitation to speak better. Sometimes both parties are both carried away. There are also couples who like to deny. However, there is also a partner who is getting worse and eventually enters the pattern over and over again.

Dr.ploy suggested that one of the parties dare to press the reset button, a small sign to stop the cycle. For example by saying, "Let's start from scratch".

In addition, you can also do light jokes or just hold your partner's hand.

"In my marriage, sometimes my wife laughed and said, 'Listen, we're like teenagers fighting'. Sometimes I joke and invite you to take a break. Small things like that can reduce tensions and pave the way for healthier conversations." he said.