Two Important Rules To Consider Before Asking A Spouse To Change

JAKARTA - A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships explores healthy ways in which "changing partners" can control their negative emotions while making the changes called for by "partners asking" for change.

“Uncontrollable emotions can arise when someone asks their partner to change. And it's natural that many people want to know how to control their emotions in making these changes," said psychologist from the University of Toronto, Mississauga, Natalie Sisson, quoted from Psychology Today, Tuesday, May 17.

To understand the emotional turnover reactions of partners, the researchers conducted two studies in which they tracked changes in the object of study in the laboratory environment as well as in the object's own home.

Specifically, this study compares two approaches people typically take when meeting a change request:

suppression. Suppression occurs when one partner tries to hide or minimize their negative emotions about the request.

Reappraisal. Reappraisal or conversion of negative emotions to positive occurs when one partner thinks about the situation in a new way to change the emotional impact on the person and the environment around him.

Then, the results of the study found that partners who changed because of suppression felt they did not meet their partner's ideal criteria. Meanwhile, couples who changed due to reappraisal acknowledged the change for the better and couples who asked for change also felt the impact of their partner's good.

To that end, Sisson suggests that in order to ensure change occurs smoothly and conflict-free in a relationship, the requesting partner should:

Make effective change requests

If you want your partner to change, then make a clear change request by communicating it directly. This can help your partner know what changes you want. For example, tell him that the changes he makes will not only make a big difference to the relationship but can also bring you and him closer together as a whole.

Try to be supportive

If you want your partner to change, try to balance it with a supportive attitude. Don't forget to validate the changes that your partner has made, small or large. With an attitude of support and validation, partners feel their efforts will be appreciated and are more enthusiastic about making changes.