Why Does Friendship In The Modern Era Feel So Quiet?

Illustration of Modern Friendship (Marta Klement/Pexels)

JAKARTA - Have you ever felt surrounded by many people, active on social media, but secretly feel lonely? You are not alone. In school or college, friends are often present through classrooms, organizations, or permanent hangouts. But when you get older, the rhythm of life changes: people move cities, focus on careers, build families, or slowly become different individuals.

In that process, the circle of friendship shrinks, while the need for connections is getting bigger. Launching Psychology Today, Tuesday, November 18, there are three main reasons why modern friendships feel so quiet and more important, what you can do to fix them.

First, many of you are too waiting for others to take the first step. You assume, because they often meet at the office, fitness center, or community, closeness will create themselves. In fact, getting older, people tend to be more careful and closed. This is where spontaneity becomes key. Research quoted in the article shows that light conversations with strangers or acquaintances, just greeting subscriptions, chatting briefly with neighbors, or asking news of coworkers can increase feelings of belonging and lower loneliness, even the impact can be on the same level as close relationships. Instead of waiting for a greeting, try occasionally being someone who first sends messages, invites coffee, or starts small chats.

Second, you are often too rigid in interpreting connections. Standards that used to apply as a teenager, chat every day, always hangout together, always update the news that is no longer realistic when life is filled with jobs, partners, and other responsibilities. Therefore, the importance of flexibility and more humane' hope in adult friendship.

Research shows that the quality and time spent with friends is closely related to mental well-being, but the form of togetherness does not always have to be in the form of long and intense meetings. Sometimes, sending cat memes, taking short calls, or just asking 'Hey, how are you?' is enough to maintain a sense of closeness. The focus shifts from how often you meet to how consistently you show concern.

Third, many of you unconsciously try to control things that are actually out of reach: demanding your friends always respond quickly to messages, always invite us on every agenda, or respond exactly as we expected. When reality doesn't match your imagination, the disappointment of piling up and friendship is disappointing. The more you depend on your feelings of being connected to other people's behavior, the easier it is to feel helpless.

Other research quoted also shows that as you get older, friendship tends to be more homogeneous, similar in education or gender, but not always identical to yourself.

Accept that friends don't always have to be 'symptomatic' and giving space for differences can reduce the feeling of loneliness that arises from expectations that are too ideal. In the end, friendship at an adult age requires small intention, courage to open up conversations, and flexibility to adjust expectations. The sense of loneliness in a modern friendship is not a sign that you are fail' to socialize, but rather the signal that the way you build and care for relationships needs to be adapted to a new phase of life. By daring to take the first step, being more flexible in maintaining connections, as well as releasing the need to control other people's responses, you provide opportunities for a more sincere, warm, and healthy friendship even though the circle may be smaller than it used to be.