JAKARTA – Caring for elderly parents is not easy, and often creates a dilemma. Some believe that caring for parents is a child's obligation, no matter how busy he is. However, as time progresses, this opinion is no longer considered relevant in the current era and nursing homes are considered to be a solution.
In a video with a duration of 01.37 seconds, it tells how three men are seen prying open the door of the house with a crowbar. Not long after, the door was broken open and they found two blackened and dry bodies lying on a messy mattress.
The residents' decision to break down the door of the house was not without reason. The house is occupied by an elderly husband and wife, Hans Tomasoa (83 years) and Rita Tomasoa (73 years). However, since Monday (8/7/2024) Opa Hans and Oma Rita, as they are called, have not seen the bridge of their nose.
Residents who were suspicious then complained to complex security. Before breaking into the house, the neighborhood unit (head of the neighborhood) tried to contact the family and relatives of Opa Hans and Oma Rita.
But they didn't get any information. The second youngest child did not even answer head of the neighborhood's questions.
Finally, they decided to force open the door of Grandpa Hans and Grandma Rita's house on Friday (12/7) morning. How shocked they were to find this elderly husband and wife already lying stiff.
The incident occurred in Singajaya Village, Jonggol District, Bogor Regency.
Never Visited by Children
Hans Tomasoa is a lecturer at a sailing school in the East Jakarta area. However, during the COVID-19 pandemic, this former sailor was no longer teaching. His physical condition has also become weaker.
Meanwhile, residents say Rita is a former radio announcer and retired civil servant.
"Both of them are known to be close to their neighbors," said the Head of the head of the neighborhood at Citra Indah Housing, Jonathan Tobing. However, while living there since 2017, Jonathan admitted that he had never seen their children visit.
Then, based on information from the Cileungsi Regional Hospital, the cause of death of this elderly couple was due to lack of food.
From the information of the officer who brought the body, it is estimated that Grandma Rita died first, as seen from the fact that her body was already dry. Meanwhile, Opa Hans' body is still quite heavy, which means there is still quite a lot of body fluid.
Pastor of the Protestant Church in Western Indonesia (GPIB) Cipeuang, Ezra Sudarsono, said the two people were his congregation. He knew that the elderly couple only lived together in their house. Without a household assistant, let alone a nurse.
Grandma Rita can only lie down or sit in a wheelchair due to a stroke. Because of this, this mother of three children is very dependent on her husband, who is also in a weak condition.
Because he was worried, Ezra admitted that he had offered the two of them to live in an elderly home or nursing home at the expense of the church. However, this request was rejected by Opa Hans and Oma Rita.
The head of the neighborhood had made a similar request, and the answer was the same, they chose to stay together.
Complicated
A number of netizens expressed their thanks to local residents and church members who had accompanied the parents, after this incident was widely discussed. But quite a few also blame their children because they don't care about their parents.
Where are their children?
That was the first question that arose after this news became national mass media news.
Psychologist Evita Djaman said that the case of elderly parents who died alone, like what happened to Opa Hans and Oma Rita, has many complexities so it needs to be examined more deeply.
Among them is how the relationship between the husband and wife is with their children, whether there is a close emotional relationship or not, and what the parenting style is like between them.
Therefore, the public cannot immediately blame the child without knowing the problem.
“It is a reality to die alone. But we have to look at what kind of relationship (parents) have with their children? So we can't just have one point of view," said Evita, quoting Kompas.
Even so, Evita believes that leaving parents or the elderly alone at home without anyone looking after or supervising them is actually dangerous, because they need special treatment.
For those whose condition is fine, they need friends to socialize with or talk to. Meanwhile, those who are less healthy need a caregiver or nanny.
Removing Negative Connotations
Caring for parents in their old age is a dream for some people. This is considered a form of filial piety to parents, and so that there will be no regrets in the future.
However, caring for elderly parents is also often a dilemma, as said by Prof. Dr. Dra Ari Pradhanawati, M.S., Sociologist and Professor at the Faculty of Social and Political Sciences, Diponegoro University.
For children who are married, for example, they need approval from their partner before deciding to care for their parents.
“Caring for parents must be agreed upon by both parties, the husband and wife or the husband's mother or the wife's mother must agree. If you don't agree, there will be problems," said Prof. Ari.
Even though caring for the elderly is still the main choice, quite a few people choose to place their parents in elderly homes or nursing homes.
However, leaving parents in nursing homes is considered not Indonesian culture and is said to be inconsistent with religious teachings. Prof. Ari said, from the sociological perspective of the phenomenon in Indonesia, leaving elderly people in nursing homes is considered inappropriate because the term nursing home often has a negative connotation.
"In our minds, when we hear the words nursing home or nursing home, we think that old people are being thrown away, even though that's actually not the case, because when we hear the words elderly or nursing home, it sometimes makes our minds stressed," said Prof. Ari, quoted on Undip's official website.
For this reason, he said he needed to create terms that made him comfortable. Instead of a nursing home, an old age home according to Prof. Ari is more suitable to be used to eliminate negative connotations. In this way, entrusting parents to a nursing home does not mean 'throwing away' them.
Can Be A Solution
Meanwhile, psychologist Evita also does not deny that placing parents in elderly homes could be the best solution in some cases. For example, when the child's house is too small to add family members, especially if the parents need a special bathroom, wheelchair, and so on.
Or there are also those whose children live abroad or outside the city, while their parents don't want to come.
"If the child wants his parents to be entrusted to an elderly home, is that qualified?" she said.
According to Evita, elderly homes or nursing homes currently managed by the government and private sector provide a number of health facilities, medicines, food, worship and even entertainment that the elderly need.
"When I visit the hall of the elderly home, there are people playing angklung, gamelan or making handicrafts," explained Evita.
"So we shouldn't judge that an elderly home means a place of waste. Look first, nursing homes are sometimes more comfortable than children's homes. Because there (elderly people) are not wasted, but are taken care of by dedicated people, kind-hearted volunteers," said Evita again.
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