Stop Underestimating Communication Problems In Marriage

Illustration (Pasja1000 / Pixabay)

JAKARTA - Merging two people from different backgrounds into one marriage bond is not an easy matter. In order to go through this process, we again face a classic problem that is often referred to by many: communication. One important but often overlooked factor is the matter of the prenuptial agreement which is seldom communicated from the start.

At the end of 2020, the Indonesian Minister of Religion (Menag) who was still held by Fachrul Razi said that divorce cases increased during the COVID-19 pandemic. For this reason, he emphasized that the Office of Religious Affairs (KUA) should conduct marriage guidance.

According to Aco Nur, the Directorate General of the Judicial Board of the Indonesian Supreme Court, as quoted from Detik, the increase in divorce during the pandemic has occurred in Java, particularly in West Java, Semarang City and Surabaya.

Aco said, in April and May 2020, there were 20 thousand divorces in Indonesia. However, in July 2020 the number had increased to 57 thousand cases.

Many people say that the cause of the high divorce rate during the pandemic is due to economic factors. Aco Nur also said that the divorce was due to the fact that many people were laid off so that the mothers did not get guarantees from their husbands.

Although he did not specify the figures, the reasons make sense. Because the pandemic has indeed devastated the economy not only Indonesia, but the world. But what about normal conditions? Is divorce caused solely because of economic factors? The answer is no.

In 2018 it was recorded that the biggest cause of divorce was due to continuous arguments. It was recorded that there were 183,085 cases of divorce due to disputes. Meanwhile, the second biggest cause of separation from bed was economic factors, with 110,909 cases.

Communication problems

We interviewed Mahar, a private employee who experienced a divorce in 2018. He admitted that the cause of the divorce was due to the lack of openness. There is a communication problem in the relationship.

Mahar is one of those people who doesn't really think about good and open communication. He became one of those who adhered to the principle: how will it flow later.

In the beginning, it was enough to make an agreement about where to live, separation from parents or not, and other big problems. However, there are several things that are missing from the couple who got married in 2017.

First, Mahar did not talk about the division of tasks such as how they would later take care of their children. And the second is the question of how they will socialize with their previous friends.

For the first problem, they can still handle it. It was on the second issue that a major conflict occurred.

A big fight ensued when Mahar found out that his ex-wife, often playing with his friends. What annoyed him was that he was never notified when his wife left.

Mahar actually doesn't really mind that matter, as long as it's still within its reasonable limits. However, according to Mahar's version, the former is not open to his activities. Yet if you speak carefully, the dowry will be happy to allow it at a reasonable level.

"Because it's hard to tell him. Invited to talk is also not open. I don't feel heard," said Mahar.

Mahar admitted that previously, he also lacked a culture of communication in his relationships. He often considers the matter trivial.

However, now Mahar feels that the impact is that big. "The biggest problem is communication is not open and not straightforward.

Mahar is one of 183,085 cases of families who divorced due to a protracted fight in 2018. This is evidence that communication is one of the important factors that are often considered trivial in building a harmonious relationship.

The question is, why do many family couples experience communication problems, even though it has become our daily habit?

The root of the divorce problem

A family psychologist from the University of Indonesia, Rosmini, explains the reasons why many families experience communication problems in their relationships. According to him, it was caused by the backgrounds of people who were clearly different. And they are neither ready nor struggling to put the two together.

"Two people get married from different backgrounds, from education, socio-economy, culture. So a lot of people are formed by their backgrounds, but how can we unite," said Rosmini to VOI.

According to Rosmini, humans tend to have a selfish nature. And many people find it difficult to manage these feelings.

"Humans tend to me like this, I usually do this, that's what's not okay. It should be in the middle. I think that's why it's important to know the background," said Rosmini.

For this reason, Rosmini said that the process of approaching before marriage takes a long time. "For that, we need a long time to know what our real partner looks like."

The importance of communication

And according to Rosmini, an important factor in going through this process is assertive communication. On the other hand, if a couple feels more embarrassed and can't express their relationship clearly, it is a disaster.

"Communicate assertively, state your feelings, thoughts, and desires clearly. But not in an aggressive way, state your thoughts and desires roughly," said Rosmini.

Rosmini said it was not easy to build good two-way communication. The two lovebirds must be able to create a comfortable environment so that a good communication process can be realized.

"Learning to speak well, good communication, two-way, is a process. It needs practice, and it needs an environment that provides opportunities for practice," he concluded.