Understanding Divorce From Children's Glasses, This Is An Age-by-age Guide For Parents Who Are Separated

Illustration (Gustavo Fring/Pexels)

JAKARTA - Divorce for adults may seem like a rational decision after a long process full of consideration. However, for children, parental divorce is a big earthquake that shakes a sense of security, routine, and the way they understand their family. Some become quieter, some seem fine outside but restless at night, some are often angry for no apparent reason. These triggers and expressions of emotions are evident to be greatly influenced by the age and stages of their development. Understanding how children interpret divorce in each age phase will help parents convey this difficult news with more technicality, while at the same time accompanying them to recover emotionally.

Quoting Parents, Monday, explains that there is no worst age' to experience divorce, because each phase has different challenges and support needs. However, experts tend to agree that elementary school-age children (about 612 years) often face more complex emotional upheaval. They already understand the concept of relationship and family, have a clear memory of the happy together' times, but are not mature enough to unravel adult conflicts in a healthy manner.

At this age, children are more prone to blaming themselves, feeling rejected, or considering one parent as a 'bad party'. This is where the role of parents is very crucial, namely maintaining interactions that remain respectful in front of children, asserting that divorce is not their fault, and being sensitive to signs of anxiety or depression that may arise. Professional support such as child therapists can also be an important support when emotions feel too heavy to manage on their own.

What is often forgotten, even babies can feel the impact of divorce. Although they do not understand the meaning of conflict, babies are sensitive to the tensions surrounding them. They can become more fussy, stickier, or show progression when the atmosphere of the house is full of conflict. At this stage, the main key is to create a calm emotional environment. Try hot conversations and debate does not occur near the baby. If you have to share parenting in two houses, the routine of sleep and eating as well as possible is made consistent so that they remain in a sense of security. Physical contact such as hugs, arms, and soft touch also helps calm the baby's nervous system that is easily dragged by the emotional flow of adults.

Entering the age of Batita (about 18 months to 3 years), children are in a phase where their world is almost completely poros in the figure of the parent. Each change is felt big and confusing. When parents divorce, Batita can become more frequent crying, demanding extra attention, returning to old habits such as smoking thumbs, refusing toilet training, or having difficulty sleeping alone. At this age, they have not been able to understand the concept of two houses' or split parents, but they strongly feel the absence of one parent in a daily routine. Parents can help by providing predictable schedules, maintaining patterns of self-similar daily activities in both homes, as well as taking quality time without device disruption. Managing emotions in front of children is also an important part: Batita will be easily overwhelmed if they see their parents often cry or get angry, because they have not been able to separate their own emotions from their parents' emotions.

Schoolchildren (about 3'6 years old) began to have rich imaginations and began to understand that parents were not getting along, but the concept of divorce was still very abstract and scary. They know there is a problem, but they don't understand why people who love each other can separate. In this phase, many children actually blame themselves, feel 'naughty' so that parents don't want to be together anymore. This unsafe feeling can arise in the form of nightmares, anxiety splitting, or anger that is kept and not channeled.

Parents can help by discussing divorce honestly but simply, without any confusing conflict details. A divorce-themed children's storybook can be a bridge to unravel their feelings. What is no less important is that meeting schedules with parents who do not live at home need to be structured and consistent, so that children feel they are not "losing" one of the important figures in their life.

When entering school age (about 611 years), children begin to be able to think more logically, but are at the same time more sensitive to the meaning of loss and rejection. They understand that divorce means permanent changes to the family structure, not just instantaneous quarrels. At this stage, children may feel betrayed, blame one parent, or side to the one they consider victims''. They may also fear being considered the cause of separation because they have been angry, resisted, or caused problems. Undistributed emotions can arise in the form of difficulty concentrating in schools, conflicts with friends, aggressive behavior, or vice versa become very attractive and quiet. To help, parents need to rebuild a child's sense of security. Spending one-on-one time listening to their feelings, routinely asserting that divorce is not their fault, and that both parents still love them unconditionally. Maintaining routines, from eating hours, sleep, to extracurricular activities, helps children feel stability in the middle of a storm of change.

In the end, there is no way to completely make divorce pain-free for children. However, the way parents communicate, bring stability, and manage conflicts will determine how this wound heals in their hearts. Children at every age need a different language and approach, but the common thread is the same: the gentle honesty, consistency, and certainty that they remain loved and have never been the cause of separation. With this awareness, divorce remains a difficult chapter, but not the end of a warm and loving family story.