Calm And Don't Be Gegabah, Here Are Tips For Conveying Decisions Regarding Parents' Divorce To Children

Illustration (Rodnae Production/Pexels)

JAKARTA - For most parents, telling children about divorce is one of the hardest parts of the whole divorce process. How not, children rely on parents for safety. And divorce will definitely shift the family foundation that children have relied on so far. However, this is also a very important conversation as it gives parents the opportunity to try to lay the groundwork for a new, healthy start for the whole family.

Jamie Howard, PhD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, launched the Child Mind Institute web, Monday, August 11, describing learning about divorce as a "light memory" for children: "It's a moment that children may always remember." If you want to do it right, it means you need to take the time to plan what you want to say and how you want to say it. Here are some tips to help you get started.

If possible, Dr. Howard suggested that parents sit down together to convey the news of the divorce calmly. To avoid potential conflicts, parents should agree beforehand on what to say. This is when children need to be convinced, and the best way to do it is to show the children that you and your partner are still on the same side in terms of raising children.

"You need to give an example of 'We can handle it'," said Dr. Howard.

"Although the reality is not true or only one parent can handle it," Howard continued.

If both parents don't allow them to attend this conversation, Dr. Howard suggested that it was their closest parents to them who had to deliver the news.

What you say will depend on the age and maturity of the child. You don't want to burden the children in detail. And generally it's better to let them ask than try to give them a lot of information they're not ready to receive.

Children sometimes wonder when changes will happen. Of course some divorces go very well and quickly, but others take a long time.

"You need to give the kids a little bit of time," said Dr. Howard.

"Maybe you could say something like, 'We're separated now from the intention to divorce. Maybe it takes time to finish the details, but for now, let's just say we're divorced.'

If you already have an idea of what the transition will look like, it might calm the kids down by hearing some details.

In the event of a custody dispute, Dr. Howard suggests a child-friendly way to explain it is to say something like, "We both love you very much and want to be near you. We're trying to find out what we think is best for you. We don't agree on that, but we're going to find out as adults, by involving other adults."

Good practical rules are to avoid discussing financial settlement with children or sharing any information that makes one partner look bad. You need to avoid unnecessary conflicts to maintain a healthy parent-child relationship, which is very important for the welfare of children.

If there is already a lot of parental conflict and anger at home that children may see, Dr. Howard suggests explaining it like this:

You may realize there are more fights. Sometimes we feel very angry. For your information, one of us might say something because we are angry with the situation, but no one is angry with you. This situation is complicated and we will find a solution for it ourselves. It's not your job to defuse anger. There are other adults who can help deal with the anger. There are lawyers, judges, therapists. It's not your job to help."

Children can react in various ways to divorce news. If there are many fights at home, some children may feel relieved to hear about divorce. However, children are more often annoyed or even guilty. Whatever your children's reactions, it's important to listen to them and take their concerns seriously. While explaining that divorce is not their fault and that as parents, you will do your best to help them feel safe and loved.

Children often start to worry about what their future will be like. Teenagers sometimes may immediately worry about their parents getting married again. If this happens, Dr. Howard suggests saying something like, "Maybe, maybe not. Of course I want to be happy and it can be a part of my happiness. But you still love me and no one else will replace him."

For more pressing concerns, such as who will take your child to soccer training or what kind of new bedroom, getting a clear answer can be very convincing. If you're still thinking about the details, tell your child you're looking for a solution, but you'll let him know whenever possible. Meanwhile, you can find other ways to help him feel safe, such as making fun temporary plans.