Divorce Trends At Twilight Age Increase And Their Impact On Adult Children

JAKARTA - Although starting with abundant happiness, it is not uncommon for marriage to end in divorce, including for those who have been married for decades.

The announcement of Bill Gates' divorce (65) and Melinda Gates (56) four years ago shocked the world. People wonder why couples who seem to have everything and have lived together for more than 27 years, instead choose to separate at a young age.

"We no longer have the belief that we are able to grow together as a couple in our next phase of life," Melinda Gates and Bill Gates announced their divorce via Twitter, on May 4, 2021.

It was not explained what the reason they chose to separate. Of course only Bill's family and Melinda know what was the main cause of the destruction of their household ark.

In Indonesia, divorce at an advanced age is also experienced by several celebrity couples, including Lydia Kandou and Jamal Mirdad, Camelia Malik and Harry Capri, Willy Dozan and Betharia Sonata, Mark Sungkar and Fanny Bauty.

Divorce that occurs in old age is apparently not a surprising thing. This demographic phenomenon actually occurs for a long time, and is called a gray difforce or gray divorce. The number continues to increase over time.

Over the past three decades, the United States National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) and the US Census Bureau have shown that the divorce rate of couples over 50 years old in the US has doubled.

In 1990, it was recorded that five out of 1,000 couples were over 50 years of divorce. Then in 2015, the number became 10 out of 1,000 couples.

Meanwhile, for couples over 65 years of age in the same period, the divorce rate has tripled. The opposite situation occurs in couples aged 25-39 years whose divorce rate has decreased by a fifth. However, it does not indicate that couples at that age are happier with their marriage. What happened was that they were more selective in getting married.

According to studies, spray divorce occurs for various reasons. One of them, a longer lifespan, and a partner at dusk may be more reluctant to accept unsatisfactory marriages.

On the other hand, young people marry at an older age and become more selective in choosing a partner. A US researcher said, "The US is heading towards a system where marriage is less frequent and more stable than ever".

Israel Helfand, a retret manager for a couple whose marriage is on the verge of collapse, said that gray divorce is becoming increasingly common.

"In advanced age, one not only wants to live longer and healthy, but also has the opportunity. They are also more picky in determining the level of happiness they want and they don't want to compromise with it," said Helfand.

Elderly couples also generally have readiness to separate, including financial readiness. Thus, they assess the cost of the divorce is small.

Another cause that triggers a gray divorce is attachment syndrome or empty bird nest syndrome. When children are mature, the intention of parents to raise children has been passed. They are no longer busy with their children's affairs, so there will be fewer activities or interests that can be done with their partners.

At times like this, they start trying to find what they really want in life. John Gottman, who manages the marriage therapy class and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, said this moment was the time that the elderly couple chose to take a break from a binding relationship.

"When romance, desire, and the spirit of mutual adventure are eroded, many elderly couples see it as the right time to end their relationship well," explained Gottman.

How is the impact of divorce on their child? Although researchers have learned a lot about how small children are affected by divorce, the impact on adult children tends to be neglected. Maybe, because they are considered more mature and better able to overcome problems.

In fact, research found that, like small children, adults react to parental divorce with anger, shock, and prolonged sadness.

"I often hear adult children say 'the support system I have relied on since I grew up destroyed like an earthquake'," said Carol Hughes, a California-based marriage and family therapist.

"Suddenly their parents divorced, and they felt their lives were destroyed," he added.

They also then reflected on various memories with their family for tens of years. Then today's children wonder "Are they all just a hoax? Have they ever been really happy?" said Hughes.

During the divorceray, Hughes admitted that some of his clients, adult children, chose to end their engagement or question their identity and self-esteem.

"Parential divorce can be a difficult experience for anyone, no matter how old, no matter how long marriage," Joleen Greenwood, professor of sociology at the Kutztown University of Pennsyvania, replied.