Before Deciding To Divorce, There Are 5 Things That Need To Be Done According To Expert Recommendations

Couples conflict illustration (Pexels / Vera Arsic)

JAKARTA - Parting is not easy. During the decision-making process, the two partners will certainly discuss and negotiate before filing a divorce suit.

According to psychologist and relationship therapy for marriage and divorce, Susan Pease Gadoua, LSCW, everyone must have expectations to live a happy home life. Even so, there are problems that are experienced together and it is necessary to find solutions together.

Based on a report from the Ministry of Religion, as of August 2020 there were 306,688 divorce cases that occurred in Indonesia. While reports from several studies in several countries, nearly half of divorce cases are due to incompatibility.

The second most common cause is financial problems, followed by infidelity. For cases of emotional and physical violence in number three and the subsequent causes of alcohol and drug addiction problems.

Given that there are so many cases of separation, one expert recommends steps to be taken for each partner. The following are the recommendations reported by Psychology Today, Tuesday, March 2.

Get to know your partner's perspective better

In a marriage relationship where the hope is of course for the long term or until death, attraction is a significant thing. When couples vilify each other and find no other middle ground, Susan's recommendation for each partner needs to work even harder.

Susan mentions the term "polarization" which is unconscious. For example, each partner thinks that each other needs to change to improve the relationship such as being more diligent in saving money, more diligent, more intelligent emotionally and intellectually.

If it polarizes, advises Susan, work harder to understand your partner's perspective. Good relationships are where everyone creates comfort.

Communicate about each other's needs

Maybe your partner tells you about their unhappy marriage, but telling other people doesn't tell your partner directly. This raises the possibility that you don't understand each other's needs.

According to Susan, the problem is not everyone's needs but how to deal with common needs. Hence, communication is important. Conveying needs or expressing feelings needs to be done well.

Spending time together

When tensions arise, of course choose not to be with a partner. This means stop wasting time and the conversation feels 'dry'. This is understandable because everyone prefers to avoid negative feelings including pain because conversation is no longer enjoyable.

As you experience this, Susan recommends, let your partner know that they want to reconnect and need to take steps together. If it's difficult together, then a marriage therapist or consultant can help.

Illustration with the couple (Pexels / Vera Arsic)

Finding Solutions from outside of marriage is often wrong

Consulting a third party who does not fully understand the conditions and situations in the household is certainly very risky. Missteps or misperceptions often occur. When a marriage begins to be unhappy, people often look for a shortcut, namely holding another party.

There are also those who focus on other things, such as preferring children, spending time with friends or building a career. This, according to Susan, actually keeps away from the substance of the problem or is seen as 'running away' behavior.

His recommendation, running away and avoiding pain did not make it go away. In fact, the fact only made things worse. Both parties need to be committed to partnering in improving the relationship.

Additional recommendations, be honest with yourself and your partner to take steps together to want to continue the marriage bond.

Seeking help

The best is that people, in a frenzy, can still make the wrong decisions. To clear your mind and share the burden, getting help was Susan's suggestion.

Many couples finally divorce without proper guidance. Wishing the best for the wedding but not setting your steps will also be a waste of time.

Susan's best advice, don't wait for a crisis to occur for the unbearable to pile up. So, get help before it gets worse.